Looking good is the best revenge
A young woman in China is considering extensive plastic surgery to remodel herself as Jessica Alba, the object of her ex-boyfriend’s obsession.
The 21-year-old, identified only as Xiaoqing, broke up with her boyfriend last month after he decorated their apartment with pictures of the actress and began talking about her incessantly. Xiaoqing told Reuters that after the break-up she was inconsolable and turned to her friends for sound advice.
“They suggested I do plastic surgery to look like her,” she said. Ah, friendship.
She approached a team of doctors in Shanghai, who have agreed to do the surgeries—which include multiple procedures to alter her eyes and nose.
With strangers like Xiaoqing going to Heidi Montag-lengths to look like her, Jessica Alba has come a long way from her early career, which began when she guest-starred as a teenager with gonorrhea of the throat in a 1996 episode of Chicago Hope. However, the actress says she was distressed, not flattered, when this story broke over the weekend. “I think you should never have to change yourself like that,” Alba told the New York Daily News on February 6. “If somebody loves you, they’ll love you no matter what.”
While they were still together, Xiaoping’s boyfriend would buy her wigs and clothes to make her look more like Alba. But she has made it clear that the surgeries were her decision, not his. “As a member of the younger generation in this country, I have a choice to decide what I want in life,” she said. Interestingly, the top related article on Reuters.com was “China sees sexual frustration causing social problems.”
Bethesda, Maryland resident Paul Pickthorne throws role-play sex parties in his 3600-square-foot rented stone castle. But last week, he received a notice from officials that could seriously cripple both his social and financial situation. Many residents of the affluent and predominantly Jewish town got together to complain about Pickthorne’s BDSM (bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism) events. Apparently, whomever you spank or whatever uniform you wear—from sex-kitten school girl to dirty highway cop—is your business when it’s done behind closed doors. Well, except when you charge a cover for kink.
Zoning inspectors informed the British-born, former information technology specialist and self-proclaimed “kinkster” that his sex-togethers violate Montgomery County land-use regulations due to the fact the he was charging an entry-fee: $20 to get in and get it on and $50 for VIP status (Italian-crafted leather whips?), as reported by The Washington Post. The castle on Tone Drive has been hosting sex soirées since last summer. The demand for a whips-and-chains playground has been so huge that party revenue is Pickthorne’s source of income. But the R-60 zoning classification in the residential neighborhood prohibits commercial activity. Pickthorne still has a few weeks figure out how to please (or punish?) his patrons gratis and make ends meet. Let’s hope the castle opens its gates this Sunday; complimentary spanking is the best Valentine’s Day gift.
A man-girdle to conceal your manhumps, jiggles, and flabs! Finally!
Look, I’m not ungrateful. I realize there have been revolutionary developments in the great province of men’s fashion, from manscara to murses. But now, at the precipice of a new decade of unprecedented scientific and technological opportunity, spanx for men is available for pre-order on Spanx.com. Starting March 15, the first ever cotton compression undershirt can be purchased at your nearest Neiman Marcus!
It’s Valentine’s Day. I don’t care if you think you’re the picture of manly perfection: a crown of thick luscious hair, an Apollonian jawline, cheekbones to heaven, and Spiderman calves. Suck in that gut, you monster! Jesus. Make yourself alluring.
Oh, by the way, that’ll be $58.
AIN’T NOTHING BUT MAMMALS
Last week the Netherlands got a little less free-loving. Yes, the liberal’s paradise of windmills, tulips, bicycles, and shrooms actually banned something. Marijuana, prostitution, and euthanasia are all still fine. Having sex with animals, however, could get you into trouble.
Up until now, bestiality has been legal in the Netherlands. So long, that is, as you could prove the animal wasn’t injured. This meant that, in addition to having a large population of violated (or tenderly loved) animals, the Netherlands was the internet’s main source of animal sex tapes. According to one survey conducted by the Dutch newspaper Algemeen Dagblad in 2007, 80 percent of the world’s bestiality videos came from Dutch distributors.
But on February 2, the Dutch Senate passed a bill that was introduced back in 2007, which would ban bestiality of any kind. Even if it’s in private, even if the animal is unharmed, even if it’s loving and tender and beautiful. And since this ban includes the production and distribution of animal pornography, it’s not just the Dutch who will be affected: now all those lurking animal lovers of the internet will have to go elsewhere for their fix of hot man on beast action. This Valentine’s Day, the Dutch can take their dates to the cannabis coffee shop, they can ride their bikes to the red light district, but from now on they’ll have to keep it in the species.