Week in Review

celebrity meltdown edition

by by Ana Alvarez & Ashton Strait

illustration by by Annika Finne

Mean Sheen Beaned Flings
While the wild ride that has been Charlie Sheen’s very public meltdown over the last two months has become excellent fodder for internet memes and re-tweets, it seems that as a nation we’re neglecting to remember that the man with “tiger’s blood” and “Adonis DNA” isn’t such an Adonis after all. Sheen’s public persona has veered from lovable bad boy to semi-schizophrenic, fully delusional public performer, but Sheen has an even darker history of unhinged behavior that isn’t quite as charming as calling himself a “warlock” on the Today Show. Below, a brief introduction to Charlie Sheen via present tweets and past indiscretions:

  • In addition to an “F-18 of an id,” he has two restraining orders against him, both from former wives. Denise Richards filed one in 2006 when he threatened to kill her. Several weeks ago, current wife Brooke Mueller filed another when he threatened to cut her head off, put it in a box, and send it to her mother.

  • He considers his “Warlock brain 2 B a weapon of mass destruction,”” but did more than enough damage with a mere handgun when he accidentally shot fiancée Kelly Preston in 1990.
  • Sheen claims he and his team “bludgeoned [their] way into the 2nd greatest book of all time” and that the Guinness Book of World Records was “now complete” because he gained a record number of Twitter followers in a 24-hour period. He also bludgeoned a college student with his fists in 1994 because she wouldn’t have sex with him.
  • He is a proud owner of “the only real tiger blood in the known universe” as well as several criminal complaints against him, the most recent from Capri Anderson, who had to lock herself in a bathroom at the Plaza Hotel last October during one of Sheen’s rampages. –AS

Bieber Shears, Fever Disappears 

Perhaps Justin Bieber should take a leaf out of Charlie Sheen’s book and start waxing poetic about warlocks and tiger’s blood to his 7.5 million followers. Word in the Twitterverse is that the tween star lost upwards of 80,000 followers when he debuted pictures of his new haircut last month.
The Canadian pop star gave a lock of his former fringe to Ellen DeGeneres on her show the day after. The talk-show host auctioned the hair (in a signed box) on eBay, fetching $40,668, which shedonated to an animal rescue organization.

Bieber has yet to comment on whether, like Samson, his new do will affect his lion-wrestling skills and/or ability to slay an entire army with a donkey’s jawbone. –AS

Galliano Galls Gauls

British designer John Galliano has always been a darling of the fashion world. Unfortunately for him, anti-Semitic comments are never in style. The now ex-head designer of fashion powerhouse Christian Dior was suspended on February 25 after he was accused of making overt anti-Semitic comments to a group of Italian woman at a bar in Paris. Gallia no’s drunken rants about his love for Hitler were only made worse by the fact that Jewish actress and recent Academy Award-winner Natalie Portman (née Hershlag) is the face for Miss Dior Cherie, one of Dior’s fragrances. After a video of Galliano’s comments was leaked on March 1, Portman wrote in a statement that she was “shocked and disgusted” by his behavior. Immediately after the condemnation from their Hollywood starlet, Dior turned Galliano’s suspension into a definite dismissal. Even worse, making anti-Semitic remarks is illegal in France. According to the Financial Times, if found guilty of making anti-Semitic comments, the designer could face up to six months in jail or a fine of up to $31,000.

Galliano’s controversial slip-up could not have come at a worse time: his demise unfolded days before his ready-to-wear Fall/Winter collection was to be released during Paris Fashion Week. Instead of the regular runway blowout, the collection was modestly presented to fashion insiders, who flocked in morbid fascination to see what may be the designer’s final show. The collection was standard Galliano, with languid, pastel-colored chiffon gowns and dark-tinted lips. Although his aesthetic was ever present, the designer himself was not; Galliano is rumored to be currently attending alcohol rehab somewhere in the Arizona desert. Even though his looks may never grace the Parisian runways again, he will have to return to France to attend trial sometime this spring. –AA