get real

by by Auspicious Alessandra & Kapricious Kate

illustration by by Alexandra Corrigan

We know, we know: you just want to read your own horoscope. Actually, you just want to read your zodiac sign's attributes, rather than any kind of predictions. But we feel compelled to give a kind of reasoning for belief in the extraordinary....

In Western Astrology, twelve constellation signs name the rough position of the stars at the time of one's birth. While dismissed in popular culture as, well, popular culture, they were originally mapped as scientific rationales for the earth, space, and concepts of the self. Ancient Egyptians, Greeks, Indians, and Persians all differently weighted the conception of self as a relationship to the greater universe—but they all left room for general relativity not seen again in accepted science until Einstein’s theory. Unfortunately, texts regarding astrology remain irreversibly skewed by their popular translations from Greek, Persian, and Sanskrit, many of them garbled carelessly due to colonialists’  disdain and sloppy translations. For the most part, what we understand about the field is that it investigated the causal effects of gravitational pull of planets—due to their rotations, moons, and nearby stars—on humans’ earthly understanding of time and location.

Even in the modern world, movements of entire planets and stars don't seem so insignificant. Mapping fourth dimensions and attempting to stretch our existence into other planets seems a lot less trivial when it’s not featured in the pages of a fashion magazine. But that doesn’t evacuate the personal—and the playful—side of astrology. After all, there’s no universe we want to believe in that doesn’t take into account something beyond our understanding. There’s no way humans have understood all causes in the universe; towards that, we look above and around us for some forces with some un-understandable tendencies. But perhaps that’s just our Aquarian (idealists!) nature.

We invite you to investigate your own experience, and see if it maps onto another conception of truth in the below charts and predictions. While each planet’s position in the universe relates to your birth time and place, the simplest understanding comes from the monthly change in position from the sun. Your sun sign, therefore, governs the most part of your rational personality. This, of course, has its limits—one’s moon sign, for example, governs emotions and other planets’ forces can greatly change one’s unknown mind. The underlain chart was made by Bīrūnī, who referenced Ptolemy’s standard Eastern arrangement of features (in order from inside to outside): signs, house rulers, exaltations (most influential), limits, and triplicities (combination of planets resulting in a more-influential force element). Further, our horoscopes take into account planetary movements around the Sun sign, with help from Vedic astrologers.

XOXO — Auspicious Alessandra & Kapricious Kate

December 21- January 18
Ambitious, economic, assertive.  Inflexible, dictatorial.

My readings reveal that you have been very active lately!  Be prepared for your phone to ring more often--Mercury is traveling through your house of communication for the first nine days of April.  You are likely to meet new faces, and an attractive Gemini will play an interesting role in your social life and--if you are not careful--affect your drinking habits negatively.  Things may seem as if they are going too easily for you.  Remain vigilant.

January 19- February 17
Joyful, idiosyncratic, accepting.  Cool, shallow, unpredictable.

Lucky Aquarius!  Venus entered your sign this March, which portends that you might unintentionally attract a mate.  If you were thinking about investing in a hair cut, facial scrub, or gym class, now would be the time (but you should also avoid foods that give you gas).  You may soon be confronted with a stressful financial situation.  Make sure to remain calm and objective.  Your tendency to fly off the handle or simply disappear will not serve you well.

February 18-March 19
Imaginative, intuitive, social. Escapist, secretive.

People born in Pisces ascendant are not likely to remain tension free during 2011. There will be worries on one or another account, keeping you occupied in unwarranted matters. You may lose focus from your prime objectives. Health can deteriorate and, therefore, utmost care is required on this front. Avoid journeys as much as possible during 2011. Those looking for entering into a relationship should exercise caution. The negative impact of planets will be strong during March, April and May 2011; and, thereafter, it will start diluting. The last quarter of 2011 may give suitable relief in overall matters of your life.

March 20-April 18
Spontaneous, frank, open.  Self-centered, willful.

Spring is your season!  Don't let it go to waste, because this seer sees you in a leadership position this month.  In order to avoid a breakdown, remember to take some time to yourself in mid April--everyone can't always give you the attention you want.  A full moon just passed in your house of health, so you may soon discover the source of your illness.  Also, beware those who envy you.  You may fall victim to an act of betrayal or violence.  Avoid crowds outside of Shark.

April 19-May 19
Stable, hard-working, loyal. Money-obsessed and stubborn.

You Tauruses never have trouble buckling down and getting your affairs in order. This spring, you'll be even more of a homebody than ever-- for come June, we see a major career change. It is then that Jupiter comes into your House of Endings for the first time since 2000. Fret not, stubborn Taurus! It will come with a financial windfall to offset your fear of change…

May 20-June 19
Adaptive, Witty, Personable. Superficial, Two-sided.

Hola sassy Gemini! Your clumsy nature will evolve while Saturn transits over the fourth house of your horoscope – making you the star of your recreational softball league (B team). Oh yes, but your favored spring won’t stop there: you will entertain voyages, business ventures, and fancy cars this spring during March, April and May. Is your moon in Capricorn, Aquarius or Pisces? (Find out your birth time and place and look it up online!) If so, go out and buy yourself the biggest ray-bans they make, sister, because you’re gonna be famous. Start leaving the little people behind, starting with your campus poker team. We all know Gemini’s are famously superficial, anyway. ****<3XOXOmercurygrrl,3****

June 20- July 21
Sensitive, Sympathetic, Kind, Confident-Exeterior. Needy, Moody.

Cancer, cancer, cancer. You truly will be crabby this spring, as you will be busy working hard this spring. The results? Eh…modest. Further, things only get weirder, especially in Venus’s relationships with your planets. You will be proposed to, and I’m not talking about a drunken shout out at Coliseum.  No: you will be tempted to compromise your values, take the offer from someone from a cult-y religion. Prepare to deny sin accordingly! Or else, the stars read, your parents will have some kind of set back. Sorry cancer – for being the most sensitive and moody sign, you’re seas don’t look so clear until Fall.

July 22- August 21
Outgoing, Fiery, Ambitious. Pretentious, Domineering, Vain.

Leo, the loud lion – your gregarious persona isn’t always so sweet. You’re known to always win an argument, even when you know you’re wrong. Some legal problems before May inspire you to follow these talents all the way to get your J.D. Hold on Elle Woods (probably a Leo)! While we predict you tell everyone you’ve gotten into a real fine law school, a cruel smack of reality hits you in the form of a rejection letter. Better to post pone your application to the fall, when your legal and professional matters look up – perhaps daddy could send a big check, apologizing for forgetting to send in the application earlier?

August 22- September 21
Useful, Hardworking, Intellectual. Critical, Bitter.

Virgos are undoubtably our least favorite sign up here in the cosmos. But though it pains me to say, I have to admit your Mahadasa of Saturn or Mecury bears much fruit this spring.  You get promoted (BUDS  manager!!), and you meet lots of new and interesting people. Your investment in that-metal-only-we-know-about soars to new levels when Apple becomes desperate for the stuff (long story, but suffice it to say, iPhones start to melt spontaneously without it come May). A couple of you Virgos really see some professional development; great congratulations await to those who hold a summer job at Marc Jacobs or play competitive squash. You go on an unexpected journey in September. Hopefully far away from us, my dears.

September 22-October 21
Energetic, charming, graceful.  Vain, bossy.

The next month you will be very busy and may find yourself with the urge to boss others around.  Also, avoid procrastination!  Your work may require several trips in order to be completed.  Make sure not to assume that your newest love interest  is guaranteed to stick around--they may see through your vanity.

October 22-November 21
Funny, sexual, intuitive.  Controlling, defensive, cruel.

Life has been stressful for you, Scorpio.  Be prepared to still be busy in the next few weeks, but remain focused despite the health problems that may plague you or your family members.  Do not be afraid to take naps.  Next month you may find yourself entangled with a member of the opposite sex.  Chances are, this will prove agonizing.  Don't let your tendencies to self-destruct get the best of you.

November 21-December 20
Optimistic, free-spirited, honest.  Judgmental, condemning.

Things may seem as if they have been slowing down for you, and this psychic knows how much you Sagittarius' love movement and travel.  Never fear, however: a week after the equinox you have travel plans.  At some point in the near future you should probably communicate with your relatives, but be careful to not be overly harsh in your interactions.  Venus enters your house of communication this March, which will help you sweet-talk people to win them to your side (ask for the extension, avoid taking out the trash, get a 2AM free slice at Nice Slice, and if all else fails, you WILL be able to get a doctor's note).