THE COLLEGE HILL INDEPENDENT


WE NEED TO TALK...AN ECONOMIC INTERVENTION: A MAD LIB

by by Miguel Morales

_______ (Salutation) Economy,
Throughout history, we humans have labored to create a more ____ (prestigious sounding adjective, e.g. prestigious) union. Unfortunately, to create this union perfectly, we needed money. That's where you come in, Economy. You've _____ (intransitive verb) around for ages and you still don't have that ____ (condescending adjective) old man smell yet. In fact you smell like _____ (noun) and we _____ (appreciative verb) that our relationship goes deeper than hygiene.

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We ______ (adverb) don't write to man-made systems of thought, but we decided it was in our best interest to get you _______ (noun). You're out of control, Economy. Have you been looking at too many Miley Cyrus ______ (social networking site) photos? Keep your ____ (article of clothing) on, Economy. No, really, we mean it.
We think you're flabby, _______ (something one would say about the stock market, or Tweedle Dee and Dum), slothful, and ______ (gratuitous adverb) brooding. We don't like these _____ (plural noun) about you. It may be all the cocaine _____ (present participle) through your system but we feel it's more than that. We want some more _____ (adjective) time together. What happened to the gifts you gave us, those bargains we used to find together?
It's funny, for all of your excesses, there's something _______ (participle signifying a void). Don't play _______ (adjective, even though it seems play takes an adverb). I'll make it _____ (any adjective except for sexy, or variants on sexy) for you. The _______ (absurd monetary amount, upwards of ten trillion) you loaned out to your "friends"? Yeah, that sum of money. We'd like to know where that went and if you tell us you smoked it again like you did in the _____ (decade your parents are ashamed of living through), _____ (Western deity) help you.
We're not doing this because we ____ (verb) you. Trust us, we know how it feels. Not having anyone to turn to, Palin saying you make her ____ (adjective that doesn't objectify or sexualize Gov. Palin) on national television, it must be ____ (adjective). On top of that, Frannie and Freddie ______ (verb that conveys how much these two ____-ed up) you just the other day, talk about fair-weather friends, it must seem like you're all alone, but that's not true.
You used to be so charismatic, always giving, and techno savvy--my God, I can't remember how many times you fixed my _____ (anything made by Apple), but now all you do is watch Suze Orman reruns on CNBC and eat Coldstone.
We're waiting on you because we know you can ____ (a plucky verb) yourself out of this slump. It's all about lifestyle changes. Have you thought about macro dieting? ________ (vapid celebrity) swears by it.
By the way, is that a ______ (gas-guzzler, or penis car) in your driveway? I hope you didn't charge that on your _____ (credit card of choice, Mastercard not accepted). See, sometimes we wonder if you even want to get _____ (adjective).
Here, we got you a UV lamp. If you don't want to go outside and play with your peers like _______, _____ and _______ (countries with developing economies), that's fine too. But we read somewhere that UV lamps cause cancer and we hope you don't catch cancer because that happened to _____ (any Communist country in history) and they haven't been the same since.
I know you, being an American, like simple solutions to complex ______ (abstract noun, e.g. polemic). But that's not going to work here. Don't go listening to ______ (pasty white male politician) and how he says he knows what's best for you. I bet a lot of people are telling you they know what's good for you but don't let it get to your ____ (body part). As the saying goes: your mortgage is safe, as long as someone's paying for it and their credit rating is high enough and the housing market isn't in a self-defeating spiral of ______ (deadly sin) and _______ (deadly sin unrelated to earlier deadly sin).
We believe in you, and to prove it, we're _____ (transitive verb) you the resources you need. It'll be great: a ______, _____ and ______ (adjectives intending irony) plan, all for the sake of your well-being. In fact, we're so confident in your recovery, we're not even going to tell you what it's for. A ____ (blank) check, all yours, just don't go spending it all in one place. Seriously, every market needs your _____ (abstract noun, one Plato would overuse), except for oil. Oil wanted us to let you know he's doing swimmingly.
With undying ____ (noun Ayn Rand would overuse) and sensuality,
The macroeconomic systems of the world, especially Lehman Brothers.