THE COLLEGE HILL INDEPENDENT


I SAY

by by Phinneus Q. Huxworthy

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"To destroy this invisible Government, to dissolve the unholy alliance between corrupt business and corrupt politics is the first task of the statesmanship of the day." -Bull Moose Party Platform, 1912
Countrymen. Few things cause my hand to twitch for the gun holster more eagerly than the current partisanship trampling this nation's body politic. Open any newsprint daily and take your fill of the claptrap: "GOP Fights to Bail Out Big Banks," "Economic Stimulus Package Mired in Partisan Gridlock," "Laughing at the Jobless, Congress Agrees to Hand Auto Industry $16.4 Billion." I would very much like to shoot something. Maybe a bison. Indeed!

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You might be pleased to hear that Bull Moose's original, pussyfooting name was the Progressive Party. At a very loud volume, we advocate women's suffrage, social welfare assistance for women and children, and worker's compensation. The party also demands an easier method to amend the constitution. Taft be damned, I would ride bareback to Capitol Hill, firing my musket to the heavens in the name of a Constitutional guarantee of gay marriage. Join the fold, brave men and feisty women! Take up any cause in the name of the underdog, saddle up Old Bessie, and storm the gates of injustice, bellowing loudly and, balance permitting, waving a big stick. For the sake of your children and the homosexuals they want to marry, give full consideration to our platform as an alternative to the current, futile dueling.
PHINNEUS Q. HUXWORTHY is a campaign strategist based on the Western frontier.