by Dr. Corn U. Copious & Friends

Illustration by Ellora Vilkin

published November 25, 2013

How do I learn to spit farther?

Put a piece of fruit-flavored gum in your mouth, and chew until it gets all juicy. Then, breathe in—deep. Hold your breath as long as you can. Keep on holding it some more. Hold it so long that you feel like you’re gonna explode. Then: RELEASE!!! The juicy gum and your spit should splatter pretty far. This is more of a “trick” than it is “learning” but that’s okay.


Is my water bottle making me sick?

Probably not. Water contains no fat/creme, so it can’t go “bad,” like cheese or a smoothie would. The only way you can get sick from your water bottle is if your mouth germs get in the bottle, and then grow: if you drink from the bottle even one more time after this, you could develop an ailment. The easy way around this is to brush your teeth before you drink out of the water bottle so that no germs get in.


Should I support my loved ones in whatever they want to do, or do I have a moral imperative to give them my critical opinion and guidance? 

You have a moral imperative to tell your brother how to land a 720 on the snow pipe. YOU HAVE TO!


Do you think if I pushed it too far, I would lose it?

Yes. Here’s an example: let’s say you cook a pound of spinach for too long, and it gets all mushy and fibrous. You’ll eat it up, and then you’ll get an ache in the pit of your gut. Within a few hours, you’ll lose everything. You’ll lose it all. 


I don’t know if I’m driven to work hard because of an honest impulse to improve the world or because the Protestant work ethic tells me to. What should I do?

Grow a rat tail to tell the Protestant work ethic to fuck off.


What kind of cookies should I bake this Tuesday? Who should I bake them with?

Wow, cookie-baking two days before Thanksgiving. Bold. Here’s something that fits the bill—bold, seasonal, and with more sticks of butter than I dare mention: pecan bars. Like the pie, but with the crust quotient seriously multiplied. As for who—if you supply the butter, you’re bound to meet with a positive response.