Yeah, so we all know that Wall Street has some major issues. A great vampire squid wrapped around the face of humanity, dare I say? But parrot-thieving is taking it too far this time. This Thursday, a Pennsylvania woman reported to the BBC that a Bank of America official broke into her house, turned off her utilities, poured anti-freeze into her plumbing, and kidnapped her parrot. When she finally retrieved Luke from the offices of her contractor, she said that he “initially seemed nervous, but is fine now.” Thank God.

Kdub