Dr. Jil’s predictions ‘n’ prognosis for the new decade

by by Gillian Brassil

July 11, 2010: The Croatian soccer team wins the World Cup. Despite not having qualified to compete, the team shows up in South Africa and sneaks into scheduled games. Says one referee, “I wondered why some matches had three teams playing at once.” Tri-soccer, as this version of the sport comes to be known, becomes wildly popular.

November 3, 2010: Massive flooding in Venice spurs the evolution of gills among its citizens. The city begins to bill itself as “Il Nuovo Atlantis!” and tourism revenues soar.

October 19, 2011: Genetically-modified plants become sentient. The single discernable effect is a wave of vegetable-authored memoirs; Soft-core Cornography: The Phallus-Shaped Life rockets to the top of the bestseller list.

February 17, 2012: Barack Obama refuses to run for re-election on the grounds that he would “rather take a nap.” Ralph Nader immediately announces his intention to run.

November 6, 2012: Nader is defeated by a charming and business-savvy Columbia Basin Pygmy Rabbit named Tracy Morgan. Voters say that they elected Elmer because of his “miraculous resurrection of his species” rather than his promises to curb pork-barrel spending and enact education reform.

November 7, 2012: Around the world, Mayan hieroglyphs appear in the sky reading “BOOYAH! TOLD YOU THINGS WOULD GO TO SHIT” in Mayan. It is later determined that the shapes were just clouds caused by an unusual weather pattern.

November 13, 2013: A hybrid eclipse can be seen in equatorial Africa. Though the term ‘hybrid’ actually refers to an eclipse that has both annular and total stages, environmentalists commend the eclipse for its energy-conservation efforts.

July 5, 2014: Growin’ Up Godfrey, a biopic based on the life of Gilbert Godfrey, out-grosses its summer blockbuster competition and shoots to #1 in the country. As it turns out, Americans have no problems with wild inaccuracy; Brad Pitt plays Godfrey, and his ‘life story’ is actually that of Genghis Khan.

December 30, 2014: Construction is completed on the Masdar City in the United Arab Emirates, the first zero-carbon, zero-waste city in the world. The cost of living in the solar-powered project is extremely high, so its inhabitants are primarily celebrities; President Morgan and the author of Soft-Core Cornography both purchase second homes there.

September 9, 2015: At 89, Queen Elizabeth II earns the title of “Longest-Reigning Queen in World History.” Her ten Corgies simultaneously earn the title of “Wackiest Singing Dogs Owned by the Longest-Reigning Queen in World History.”

October 10, 2015: California becomes the first state to legalize medical cocaine, citing “really, really fat people” as the target beneficiaries.

April 4, 2016: Square Root Day! Root vegetables grow twice as fast as usual. So do squares—Huey Lewis doubles in size. He also doubles in hipness.

November 8, 2016: President Morgan easily wins reelection for a second term, Americans having been especially charmed by his guest appearances on beloved TV shows like “The Real World: Il Nuovo Atlantis!” and “Two and a Half Men.”

February 28, 2017: O.J. Simpson is granted parole. The casting directors of Roots II: Back to Our Roots attempt to woo him. The San Francisco 49ers also try to re-recruit him, though he is 70 and has developed severe diabetes.

January 1, 2018: China’s ‘one child’ policy expires, replaced by an ‘unlimited iguana’ policy.

May 14, 2018: The sentient genetically-modified plant population decides to fight for its rights, having been denied the right to inter-marry or purchase medical cocaine. Riots break out across the country; for two weeks, city streets are awash with the fallen, leaving rivers of split pea soup and carrot puree.

November 30, 2019: The events originally depicted in Blade Runner take place. We are all actually robots.
In the year B’12, GILLIAN BRASSIL will be Tracy Morgan’s campaign manager.