THE COLLEGE HILL INDEPENDENT


The Indy Classifieds

by Jane Argodale, Shane Potts & Jack Brook

Illustration by Ruby Stenhouse

published March 24, 2017


 

PERSONALS—WOMEN SEEKING MEN

 

Will You Be Mine, Lincoln Chafee?

Me: An attractive and successful 31 year-old professional, recently moved to Providence.

You: Lincoln Chafee. From the moment I first set eyes upon you on my laptop screen as I livestreamed the first Democratic presidential debate in fall 2015, I knew that we had to be together. Though your campaign was ill-fated, though I’d never been to Rhode Island (to be honest, I needed to look at a map to remember where it was) I immediately made plans to leave my high power job in Los Angeles and move to the Ocean State to be with you.

Lincoln, I love you. Your goofy, lovable smile. Your poor choice of senate vote after your father’s death. Your scandal-free career. I know that there is nothing that would make me feel happier than to comb your hair every morning and cook your dinner every evening, for the rest of our lives.

When you find this, please send me an email.

–feelthechafe69

 

Pyromaniacs wanted for WaterFire

Do you have an uncontrollable urge to set things on fire? Bored of committing arson and setting off illegal fireworks? Why not set them for the city of Providence and make fires for the sake of culture—or just to blow off steam? WaterFire Providence is looking for the best arsonists pyrotechnicians to put on spectacular bonfires for veterans, teachers, and the larger Providence community. You will create fires for, as the Providence Journal writes, “the most popular work of art created in the capital city’s 371-year history.”   

Why burn a home when you can burn several torchlit bowls and send them down the Providence River, for all to see? Why burn your ex-lover’s possessions for Facebook Live when you can use one of our braziers for a larger purpose? We at WaterFire are looking for talent, skill, and—most importantly—passion. 

If you’re looking to start big with your fires, please send resumes and images of previous work to [email protected] WaterFire needs you to keep burning strong. 

 

 

COMMUNITY—LOCAL EVENTS

 

First Official Meeting of the Campaign for Rhodexit

California, Texas, and Alaska all have their own campaigns for secession. Why not Li’l Rhody too? The Campaign for Rhodexit is a coalition of Rhode Islanders from across the state who support a strong, prosperous, independent Rhode Island. We will no longer stand for living in the shadow of 49 larger states! 

With our historical towns, busy ports, CVS, and 

thriving seafood industry, we will show our strength as North America’s newest and smallest country.

Our first meeting will mostly be an organizational one, where we discuss our steps moving forward:

     - Strategies for fundraising and campaigning

 

     - Making our first set of flyers to distribute

 

     - Deciding on our slogan

 

     - Creating a website and Facebook page

The meeting will take place at 6pm on Wednesday at Captain Seaweed’s Pub on the East Side of Providence. Your first ’gansett is on the house. All Rhode Islanders welcome. Participants are invited to stay afterwards for a game of Cards Against Humanity.

If you can’t make the meeting but are still interested in participating in the campaign, email us at [email protected]

 

Buddy Cianci Fan Club

We are looking for an experienced psychic, someone well versed in the art of the occult. As part of our annual gala in memoriam of Buddy, we are hoping to perform a seance to bring back his spirit and ask him some pressing questions on the state of the Ocean State. We have listened to the recent, popular podcast, Crimetown, and disagree with its portrayal of Buddy as a manipulative, cunning, and scheming politico. Cianci was one of the nicest men we have ever known. He was selfless, bold, and courageous. He also made the best sauce we have ever tasted, find Mayor’s Own Marinara in a supermarket near you.  

Specifically, we want to ask Cianci if he has listened to the podcast, and if he agrees with its portrayal of his associates. Specifically, if the allegations are untrue, we look to Buddy for advice on what to do in retaliation against Gimlet media, Marc Smerling, and their libellous speech.  

Buddy is a legend, period. We here at BCFC want to honor his legacy, and we want him to tell us the best ways to do so. This is serious business. Silly clairvoyants need not apply. Contact [email protected] for more details.

 

Missed Connection

It’s a balmy day, the first of Spring. I’m at Kennedy Plaza, next to the screaming man whose hand has been slashed, bleeding profusely. You’re next to the man cracking the bullwhip, the sonic booms overtaking everyone’s eardrums. All anyone can pay attention to is the ongoing fight for attention between the two characters, but all I notice is you. Your black hair, your black eyes, your sweatshirt for the Society for Creative Anachronism. You are electrifying and magnetic, it’s just unfortunate that no one else sees you in the bedlam. You stared at me for about seven seconds, I keep count. It was a knowing glance, but knowing of what? I knew that I wanted you, did you feel the same? Was the piercing look one of fear? A beautiful creation like you has nothing to be afraid of, well, except for the bleeding man, who suddenly announced that he was carrying a knife.  

Maybe your train came, or your bus, but you flew out of the room, gracefully I might add. Hopefully I can see you again? Tinder? My phone number is 201-605-1474. If anything, I’ll be there tomorrow. Same place same time? 

- [email protected]

 

 

Request for Donuts

I am days from death and all I have left is one final request, which is, from the bottom of my failing heart, to have a donut. From Dunkin’ Donuts. My wife is dead, our cat Joanne was euthanized two years ago, and my siblings and children live elsewhere. I think back on my life and wish I hadn’t spent so much time in the office...but they always had such good donuts there. I just want one of those wondrous chocolate glazed beauties again. I will give you my estate, I have no one left to give it to, just bring me as many as you can carry. And come quick, I don’t know when I’m gonna croak but I want to do it with the sugar of Dunkin running through my veins.

 

Personal Care

Herbal and holistic treatments for people with chronic and pre-existing conditions. Worried that you will no longer be able to afford healthcare after Obamacare gets shafted? You won’t need it anymore after all if you purchase our holistic medication starter pack guaranteed to give you the quality health care you deserve and maybe even used to have. But don’t think about that. Think about how great it will be to be treating your body without needing insurance or vaccines.  

For more information contact: [email protected] and you’ll receive ten dollars off our fungi fusion pills, which are excellent for treating cases of athlete’s foot and sexually transmitted diseases like crabs.

 

For Sale

Last three slices of my Fellini’s pizza from Thursday night. Pepperoni, anchovie, and mushroom. Slightly nibbled in places but well below market price at only $4.50 for all three. I hate to let them go but am really full and don’t like to waste food so… call me at 401-676-2325.

 

McMansion Boat

Has twice circumnavigated the globe, crossed the Bering Strait, served as a gunship in World War I and has thrice traversed the Atlantic. But even better for living, with luxury four bedroom suites, three bathrooms, a jacuzzi, tennis court, bowling alley, home movie system, helicopter pad, personal chef (comes with the boat, live-in quarters), art gallery, and an Olympic pool (why swim in the ocean when you can swim in lukewarm chlorine?). Great for hosting bougie parties and impressing people with your material wealth. Not for sale, get your own.